WHEN TO GET TESTED

In today’s age of life-threatening sexually transmitted infections, you have every right to know that your potential girlfriend/boyfriend has a clean bill of health before climbing into bed with him/her. You’re also entitled to a little reassurance at other points in the relationship, when the need arises. Some will find the idea of asking such question intimidating, which is understandable, as the recipients of such question often find them offensive.

Not to worry; asking is far less difficult than you realize, and a little sensitivity can go a long way. The following tips will help you determine when to get tested, and how to ask him/her to do the same.

New relationship
Unless you’ve been tested during the last 24 hours, or have been abstinent since your last checkup, it’s a good idea to suggest mutual STI testing when starting a brand new relationship. This will ensure your partner doesn’t feel like you’re accusing him/her of being already infected, and will put the focus on mutual health -- as opposed to only safeguarding your own. Tell your partner you think it might be a good idea if you both drop into your local clinic for some peace of mind. If he/she recoils in horror at the idea of visiting the clinic together, that’s fine; testing for women especially is more involved and many prefer using their own gynecologist. Either option is fine, as long as he/she chooses one of them.

Testing tip: If your partner flat-out rejects the idea, this could mean he/she is afraid of learning the answer, which suggests he/she is no stranger to risky behavior. This doesn’t mean your partner is infected, but it does mean you’d be wise to use protection until things are proven otherwise.

Trying to get pregnant
If parenthood is on the agenda, both you and your woman should be tested for STDs before you start trying -- even if you were both tested at the start of your relationship. Why? Because most sexually transmitted infections have a window of time during which they can slip beneath the radar. In other words, one of you could still be infected, despite your test results having said otherwise. It’s important to note that your results are both as important; either of you could be carrying an infection the other hasn’t yet acquired, but the woman could acquire during pregnancy. This is highly significant, because diseases like syphilis and hepatitis B (blood-borne infections that can be asymptomatic for decades) can be passed from mother to fetus, sometimes resulting in premature delivery or stillbirth.

Testing tip: If the woman hasn’t already suggested this one herself, the guy should approach it from the angle of responsibility. By telling her you know it’s unlikely either of you has anything to pass on to your future child, but you want to ensure the baby’s health at all costs. Your woman will find the suggestion admirable and endearing.

Either of you have cheated
If either you or your partner has cheated, it’s time to get tested. This goes for whether or not the cheater went the whole nine yards. When it comes to oral sex, women can pick up Chlamydia and gonorrhea during fellatio -- and they can pass it to someone else the same way. You should also be tested if either of you cheated “safely.” Bacterial STIs, like the aforementioned Chlamydia and gonorrhea, don’t require intercourse for transmission; heavy petting is all it takes. The same goes for incurable diseases like herpes, the gift that keeps on giving. Cheating is like opening a box of rotten chocolates; you never know what you’re going to get, but whatever it is, it won't be pleasant.

Testing tip: If either of you just confessed to cheating, the cheating partner should be asked to get tested immediately. This is especially important if you’re going to stay together and work through the infidelity. Waiting a few weeks, or months, to broach the question will only re-open the wound, which could undo any emotional healing that’s already taken place.

One of you notices physical changes
As we mentioned earlier, most sexually transmitted infections have a window of time during which they can go be undetected. If an STI goes unnoticed in the early stages, the symptoms could mistakenly be dismissed as benign when they finally present themselves. For example, if the woman develops an unusual genital ulcer five months into your relationship, it’s more than reasonable to expect her to get tested again. After all, illnesses of that nature are particularly difficult to detect.

The same goes for the guy; if the woman notices a significant change in the smell or color of her man’s semen, the man shouldn’t be offended if she brings it to his attention and asks him to get tested. Follow-up testing is in both of your best interests. In the other way round, if a guy notices some changes in his woman’s body he should ask her how she’s feeling, tell her he is worried about her, and think she should visit her gynecologist to rule out infection.

Testing tip: Don’t come out and mention STIs right away; mention the symptoms and give him/her a chance to draw his/her own conclusions. If he/she doesn’t connect the dots, say that you think it would be a good idea if you both had some follow-up testing done. This will sound more like genuine concern and less like an accusation.

Better safe than sorry
While few people relish the idea of asking a partner to get tested, it’s a pleasant alternative to coming down with a sexually transmitted infection. If you approach the situation from the angle of mutual responsibility, most people will agree to get tested without taking offense. After all, they will feel better knowing that you’re free of infection too. Let your partner know that your concern is genuine and he/she will view your suggestions as the epitome of responsibility -- and women especially just love a responsible man. Don’t they?